


To Find Somebody

by sirknightmordred



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Love Confessions, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-12
Updated: 2017-08-16
Packaged: 2018-12-14 15:30:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11786067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sirknightmordred/pseuds/sirknightmordred
Summary: “Alexander? What’s wrong, my love?”“You- You said to call if I ever…”Magnus stops, his whole body stills as he listens to his boyfriends explanation. It sends a trail of fear and coldness up his spine. His breath catches in his throat and it takes two minutes before he can speak again.“Yes, of course, do you need me to come over? Or you can come here?  Can you do that for me, love?” Magnus asks, his one hand that’s not currently curled over the phone gripping his jeans tightly, afraid.“I- I don’t know. I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I f-f-feel so stupid.” Alec says with obvious tears in his voice.





	1. But If You Loved Me

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the tags before reading.

“Hello, darling, what do I owe the pleasure?” Asks Magnus as he places Chairman Meow’s dish of food on the ground for him.

“Mags?” The voice of his boyfriend is cracked and broken over the speaker of the phone. It crumples Magnus’s heart as he hears the sadness in it.

“Alexander? What’s wrong, my love?”

“You- You said to call if I ever…”

 Magnus stops, his whole body stills as he listens to his boyfriends explanation. It sends a trail of fear and coldness up his spine. His breath catches in his throat and it takes two minutes before he can speak again.

“Yes, of course, do you need me to come over? Or you can come here?  Can you do that for me, love?” Magnus asks, his one hand that’s not currently curled over the phone gripping his jeans tightly, afraid.

“I- I don’t know. I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I f-f-feel so stupid.” Alec says with obvious tears in his voice.

“You are far from stupid, angel. I can be over there in ten minutes.”

“I just- I know I have things to live for, things I love… People I love, but I just- I can’t do it anymore. It’s so exhausting to be alive. To get through every day. I’m- I know it sounds weird but I’m bored, I guess? There’s just nothing to look forward to- I don’t know- I don’t mean that you’re not nothing to looks forward it’s just- I…”

“I understand, darling, I do.” Magnus reassures. “How about we not focus on that? Why don’t you think about me coming over and we can curl up and watch another episode of “How To Get Away With Murder.” I know you love that show, I do too. I can make some hot chocolate and we can get under a warm blanket from the dryer. Alright?”

 Alec hiccups through tears and sobs that burst out. He’s breathing so heavily as Magnus tries to calm him down, his shoes already on and the keys in his hands when Alec says, “It’s too late.”

 Magnus’s heart falls. All of his nerves on end as he whispers, “What did you do?”

“I love you. I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger. Tell my family that, too. Please.”

 Before Magnus can say anything else the line goes dead. The phone slips from his fingers, but Magnus quickly snaps out of his shocked state and picks up the phone again. He dials 9-1-1 as fast as he can as he runs out the door.

“Come on. Come on.” Magnus says as he hears the dial tone and makes his way to his boyfriends place. “You can’t do this to me, you can’t do this, my angel.”

 Finally someone picks up.

“9-1-1, what’s your emergency?”


	2. Why'd You Leave Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't going to write anymore on this, but by popular demand, I decided to. I left it as completed as I do think these two chapters can stand alone. Again, please read the tags.

 Magnus sits in the uncomfortable plastic chairs, waiting for a nurse, or a doctor, someone to come and tell him that Alec will be okay. That he will be alright. They didn’t let Magnus go with, they didn’t let him in. It hurt Magnus to leave Alec alone without anyone in that room that loves him, but he knows that it was what was best. He knows the doctors and nurses do their best work when they don’t have family members and loved ones looking over their shoulders. So Magnus waits. And he waits. It’s quieter than he thought it would be, he’s the only one in this waiting room aside from the clock that seems so loud. Which means that when that doctor or nurse turns the corner to this room it will be for him. To tell him that Alec is going to be fine. Because he has to. He has to be. They have to tell him that he’s going to be alright… Right?

 Magnus called Alec’s family. His parents live a few hours away, they haven’t been on the best of speaking terms lately. His siblings, Isabelle and Jace are at the college about an hour away. Isabelle is in her second last year where as Jace is in his last. Alec graduated there last year, which is where they met. On a sunny day believe it or not, the wind a light breeze when Magnus first lied eyes on those angelic features. And in the coolness of the breeze, when he smiled Magnus’s way, he knew that he was smitten.

 It all seems so far away now, thinks Magnus as his hands nervously play with each other in his lap. His foot tapping the ground quite aggressively, the fear and anticipation building in his throat, down his stomach. He should call someone else, someone closer like Catarina, but she’s been studying so hard lately, he doesn’t want to bother her. That’s a lie, the truth is he wouldn’t know what to say.  He wouldn’t know where to begin. It feels almost too personal and private to let anyone know, even Alec’s family. Alec was amid that no one should know. Now in the stillness of the hospital waiting room, alone, Magnus wishes he would have pushed him just a little harder. He wishes that he could have told him how much he loves him one more time. He wishes he could hold him in his arms one last time. It’s at that thought that the tears start falling from his eyes, his mascara and eyeliner smudging as his hands come up to his face. He hunches over, sobs making their way through out his body as a memory replays itself in his mind.

_“There’s something I haven’t told you.” Alec says bluntly._

_Magnus’s arms tighten around Alec, bring him closer to him. Alec’s back is against Magnus’s chest, he’s spooning him from behind. They lay in Alec’s bed in his one person apartment. They’ve been together for almost six months and Magnus has wanted to bring up living together for a long time, but he doesn’t want to push Alec. He doesn’t want to back him into some corner or put pressure on him. He knows that he’s Alec’s first everything. He doesn’t want to screw it up. He doesn’t want to mess up what they have. Magnus has never been in a more honest and easy relationship in his life. He feels everything with Alec. He feels like Alec is the one that everyone seems to be talking about, but it’s only been six months. He can’t say things like that. Hell, he hasn’t even been able to tell him that he loves him yet, waiting for Alec to make that first move._

_“What is it, darling?” Magnus asks softly._

_“I- I have depression. And I know that you’ve struggled with it and are doing so much better… You were so up front about it when we first met but I- I couldn’t… I- I’m sorry. I…”_

_Magnus reaches to Alec’s hand and entwines their fingers gently. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Alexander. I’m sorry that you have to go through this, but you know that you are not alone...?”_

_Alec doesn’t answer, only sniffles as tears start to grow in his eyes. Magnus’s heart melts and pangs as he kisses the back of Alec’s neck. He tightens his hold and wraps their legs together, making sure that Alec knows he’s right there. That he’s not going anywhere._

_“There’s a bigger talk I think we have to have about this, angel, but perhaps that can wait for another day. What do you think?”_

_Alec nods his head in agreement, unable to speak as he is so overcome with emotions he doesn’t yet understand._

_“For right now,” Magnus says tenderly, “Is there anything that I can do for you?”_

_Alec whimpers and brings Magnus’s hand to his mouth where he leaves a lingering kiss. “I love you.”_

_Magnus’s eyes widen as he smiles slightly.  His heart doing that funny thing again. “I love you, too.”_

_Alec smiles through the sadness and says almost desperately, “Don’t let go. Please just… Don’t let go.”_

_“Never, my angel.” Magnus promises furiously. “Never.”_

 Magnus’s hands tangle in his hair as he remembers that day. It was grey and cloudy, there was a certain essence in the air. Almost like a supermarket at one am. It was like anything could be said. A feeling of ease that overcame them both. They were no longer hiding from each other, Alec wasn’t hiding from him. It was sad and happy and a day that stays unexplainable in Magnus’s mind. But all the same, he smiles at the memory.

“Magnus Bane?” A woman’s voice asks, making Magnus look up to see that it’s a doctor. “Are you here for Alexander Gideon Lightwood?”

 Suddenly Magnus’s heart is in his throat and his palms are sweaty as he nods his head. His hands tangle together in nervousness, his heart beating loudly as he waits in anxiety and pain. He has to be alright. He has to.

“Yes, I’m Magnus Bane. Alec- Alexander is my boyfriend.”

 The doctor nods her head and pulls up a chair across from him. She starts talking, but it’s like white noise to Magnus. The only words that matter bounce off and on, around his head. His shoulders relax, his posture less tense as he leans back.

‘Thank you.” He chokes out, his voice full of emotion.

The doctor squeezes his arm sympathetically. Magnus looks to the clock and watches almost transfixed. Because it- It still ticks on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ending is open-ended. I'll let you make your own conclusions to how this ended. But who knows? Maybe if there is demand for more, I'll write more.


	3. Take My Body

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isabelle loves her brothers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, read the tags. Many of you wanted more, so I wrote more. I'm still leaving it as complete as it does still stand on it's own, in my opinion.

 Isabelle Lightwood loves her brothers more than anything. No matter the time, day or night she would drop everything to help them. She’s always been close with Alec in particular, growing up together so close in age they’ve always known each other so well. Even though she lives an hour away, they talk almost every day and visit every weekend. With Jace too, of course. It’s also why when her parents disapproved of Alec when he came out, she stuck by his side. As did Jace. She’s younger than him but she would protect him no matter what, as he would do the same. But for the past few years he’s been different.

 It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that Alec hasn’t been his usual self. That something was wrong. That he had changed in some drastic way that happened so slowly it was hard to notice until she took a step back. Once she realized, she tried to be there more for him. She did everything she could. She tried to talk to him, but he would shut down and shut her out. He’s been doing that a lot lately. Shutting her, Jace, Clary, even Simon out. It’s heartbreaking, it feels like something is broken between them. It seemed that the only one he would let in was Magnus, even then Isabelle noticed a slight divide between them. She did everything she could, even though it doesn’t feel like it.

 When he would call in sick to work for more than a week at a time, she would come by with soup and other food. Making sure she watched him eat and drink, even though it looked like he wanted nothing more than to slip through the sheets of his bed into some dark place where he would be completely alone. Away from loud noises and people. It broke Isabelle’s heart. But despite her pain, she would hug him tightly and not leave him alone. Even when he begged. Even when he said he was just, ‘sick’. What more could she have done?

 When she learned that Alec had found someone, she was ecstatic. Maybe that’s what he needs, someone to make him smile every day. Someone to love and care for. Someone to fill his heart with warmth. But even with Magnus in his life, he still wasn’t right. He was still not the Alec she once knew. It was like a bubble surrounding him. Keeping everyone over here while he was over there. It hurt. Isabelle made sure that once her brother and Magnus were dating for over three months, and that it seemed it was serious, she talked with Magnus. Telling him not to hurt him. Asking him to look out for him, to make sure that he’s doing okay. To call her whenever things go bad. Magnus had this grim expression before he wiped it away with a smile and a nod. Of course he would. It put Isabelle at some ease.

 Now, almost a year later as she sits in her dorm, books everywhere, she thinks about last weekend. How much Alec was smiling and laughing. How much better he seemed. Isabelle smiles at that as she takes the highlighter and runs it across her page. Clary is next to her, telling her about Jace and his latest shenanigans. It makes Isabelle laugh as Clary sets down the popcorn between them.

“This is so good.” Isabelle says happily as she takes another large handful.

 Clary laughs. “Thanks. The secret is sea salt.”

 Isabelle smiles, and says, “So, what are you guys doing for your anniversary?”

“Well, since last year Jace planned it, and we all know how well that went- Not that I’m complaining, it did turn out well in the end, but I’m going to be planning it this year.”

“Oh!? This is perfect I have the best-” Isabelle stops talking as her phone lights up, vibrating loudly. She swallows the last of the popcorn in her hand and answers. “Hey, Magnus, how’s…”

 The highlighter falls out of her hand, her eyes unfocused as she listens to her brother’s boyfriend speak. Her heart falls through her chest as she clutches the phone to her ear almost desperately. Clary scrunches her eyebrows together in concern at the faraway look in her friend’s eyes and the change in her demeanor.

“I’ll be right there.” Isabelle says, hanging up.

“What’s wrong, Iz?” Clary asks, worriedly.

 Isabelle looks up, tears forming in her eyes. “It’s Alec. He’s- He’s-”

 She can’t finish her sentence as she bursts into tears, sobs wracking through her body as Clary jumps into action, pulling her friend close to her. She holds on tightly, shushing her gently, telling her that it’s okay. Isabelle wants to say that it’s not. That it’s not okay. That it’s never going to be okay. But she can’t seem to find the words as she holds onto Clary just as furiously. Her heart breaking more and more as Magnus’s words start to sink in slowly.

 She’s already lost one brother, how can she possibly handle losing another?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want me to write more, let me know, and I'll do my best.


	4. All I Want Is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, please read the tags. In this chapter you will find in-depth thoughts of suicide. Please be cautious.

_“Mom, dad, I’m gay.” Alec says, letting out a deep breath. A weight has been lifted off of his shoulders, but he still is tense, awaiting their reaction._

_“Are you trying to make a joke?” Maryse asks tight lipped._

_“No, I- I’m- This is who I am. Who I’ve always been. Now it’s just all out in the open.”_

_Isabelle sits beside Alec, her hand holding onto his arm as she looks from parent to parent, awaiting what they will say as well. Jace sits on the other side of Alec, surprised but not overlay so. He’s the first one to speak._

_“Well, you should have told me a long time ago Alec, then I wouldn’t have had to drag you to all of those stri- Trying to set you up with women.” Jace covers up, clapping Alec on the shoulder, smiling._

_Maryse glares at Jace, but Robert looks unimpressed._

_“Well, this has been a lovely dinner, but I have a conference call.” Maryse says, wiping her mouth with her napkin as she moves to stand._

_“Mom.” Isabelle says with slight anger. Alec tries to communicate with his eyes for Isabelle to let it go, but she doesn’t. “Is that all you have to say?”_

_“I have a conference call, Isabelle. Please clean up supper.” Maryse replies before leaving the room._

_Isabelle still looks outraged as she looks to her father. “Dad!?”_

_“What do you want me to say?” Robert says, impassively. “That I don’t agree? That Alec hasn’t disappointed us? He already knows that’s not true.”_

_He speaks as though Alec isn’t in the room, as though he can’t hear every word. Like it doesn’t leave him wounded. Like it doesn’t matter._

_“Dad!” Isabelle yells, as Jace looks furious like he’s ready to punch something._

_“I expect you’ll move out by the end of the week.” Robert says looking to Alec. “We’ve paid your college bills, we’ve done our job. You can leave now.”_

_As Robert walks away, Alec looks down, horrified. A lump starts to form in his throat at the words. The familiar urge to run and never look back builds within him. He wants to punch something, hurt somebody, he needs to._

_“Alec, I’m so sorry.” Isabelle says, her arm wrapping around Alec’s shoulders._

_“You know that we don’t care, right?” Jace says with earnest._

_“He’s right. We love you, and that’s not going to change.” Isabelle says with a smile._

_Alec looks up and attempts to meet hers, but it falls flat as he starts to find that it’s getting harder to breathe._

 The pills are all laid out. He’s known what he’d use for a long time now. He’s known that he’d have to do this one day.  He just didn’t know it would be this soon, while at the same time so long. There’s the pink ones, and the white ones. Three- no four different kind of medications he’s acquired over the few years of attempting to cure this darkness in him. They’ve never worked, but he kept the pills, he kept the medication. Consciously he didn’t know why, but subconsciously he’s always known why. What they’re really for.

 He’s crying, the tears are pouring out of his eyes as he stares at the medication. He sniffles and wipes the tears away. He doesn’t want to do this, but he has to. What else is there? He can’t stand to feel this way a moment longer. It’s been years. The pain, the darkness that seems to follow him everything. Nothing makes sense, nothing gives him joy. Everything is dull and unimportant. Even a cup of coffee made by Magnus doesn’t- No. He can’t think of him right now. He can’t. But he has to.

 He loves him. God, he loves him so much. And his family doesn’t deserve this after Max. But Izzy has Clary and Jace. Jace has Clary and Izzy. Magnus has his friend Cat and Izzy, too. They’ll all be okay. And yes this is fucking selfish of him, but God! Do they not understand the agony of living? The sadness like waves, then the emptiness, everything. There’s nothing to look forward to. There’s nothing left to do. He- He can’t. He just can’t.

 The pills are easy to swallow. He takes two, then three at a time. He washes it down with water. Nothing else. The white ones first, then the smaller white ones, and then small pink ones, and then the other pink ones. Those ones make him sleepy. He estimates he’ll have about twenty minutes before those kick in. He’s not sure about the rest. And as he sits there, he feels a sense of relief, but there is also the bitter taste of regret. Because no matter how much relief he feels, his family, his friends, Magnus- They’ll all feel pain. And that will be on him. But he won’t be around to have to face that guilt. He won’t have to face anything anymore.

_“I’m Sorry.” Alec cries as he holds the knife limply in his hand. “I just… I’m so sorry, Magnus. I love you.”_

_“I love you, too.” Magnus says as he hugs Alec tightly, taking the knife out of his hand. “God, Alec. Please, just- just call me next time. If it ever gets that bad again, call me. I can’t- I can’t do this without you.”_

_Now Magnus is the one crying to as he pulls back to look at Alec. “Promise me.”_

_Alec reluctantly nods his head. “I promise. I promise.”_

_His cries become more heart retching as Magnus brings him close, kissing his hair, his cheek, his forehead, his neck. He’s so damn grateful that he came over when he did. If- If Alec… He can’t even fathom._

_“I love you so much, angel.” Magnus whispers in his ear._

_“I know.”_

_And that’s why it hurts so much._

“Hello, darling, what do I owe the pleasure?” Magnus picks up after the third ring.

 Alec’s breathe hitches at his voice. “Mags?”

“Alexander? What’s wrong, my love?” He’s so concerned, it breaks Alec’s heart, the guilt making him dizzy. Or maybe it’s the pills.

“You- You said to call if I ever…” Alec can’t finish his sentence.

“Yes, of course, do you need me to come over? Or you can come here?  Can you do that for me, love?”

 Suddenly Alec feels like the biggest idiot. Here’s this amazing man, who loves him and he’s calling him when he’s like this. When he’s at the end. Magnus was able to fight this, to almost beat it, why can’t he? Why is he so incompetent? So weak? So wrecked? So broken?

“I- I don’t know. I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I f-f-feel so stupid.”

“You are far from stupid, angel. I can be over there in ten minutes.” Magnus sounds desperate. It makes Alec’s heart ache even more.

“I just- I know I have things to live for, things I love… People I love, but I just- I can’t do it anymore. It’s so exhausting to be alive. To get through every day. I’m- I know it sounds weird but I’m bored, I guess? There’s just nothing to look forward to- I don’t know- I don’t mean that you’re not nothing to looks forward it’s just- I…” He tries to explain, his words jumbled and slightly incoherent over the tears.

“I understand, darling, I do.” He sounds so sincere. “How about we not focus on that? Why don’t you think about me coming over and we can curl up and watch another episode of “How To Get Away With Murder.” I know you love that show, I do too. I can make some hot chocolate and we can get under a warm blanket from the dryer. Alright?”

 God, how he wishes it were that easy. The sobs take over momentarily, but Alec manages to whisper, “It’s too late, “because he deserves to know.

“What did you do?” It’s so quiet, so unlike Magnus, the man he loves. It makes Alec’s heart tear apart at what he’s doing to him. What he’s done. And yet, he keeps on doing it.

“I love you. I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger.” Alec says, because he is, he is so sorry. “Tell my family that, too. Please.”

 He hangs up quickly, his vision turning black. The phone falls from his fingers as his heart squeezes painfully. He falls over, dazed as his stomach cramps together like glue. It hurts. hurts

 And he is so, so sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After this chapter I have one more to post and then that will be the end. Thank you so must for your encouraging and nice comments. I appreciate every last one. And this would not have grown into such a bigger fic if not for you all.


	5. All I Need Is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are rarely ever any perfect endings in life. And just as it is in life, it is so in writing as well sometimes. In my opinion this is one of them. There was so much more I could have wrote and so much more that could have been said, but I think this is a good place to end it. Perhaps one day I'll make a part two. Make it a series. But for right now, this is it.

_Everything is fuzzy and distorted. Alec felt like he was floating yet at the same time more grounded than he’s ever been. His heart, his body, and his mind were… They were stable. He was no longer on edge, he no longer felt like a million weights were holding him down. The constant sadness and pain was gone. He felt so, so free. He laughs happily as he looks up to nothing. It is nothing. He’s somewhere but he’s not. He knows that everything is going to be okay. He knows that everyone will be okay… Eventually._

_“Alec!” A voice calls._

_Alec turns to find his little brother across from him, still the same age when he died. Only nine years old, with a smile. He would be sixteen now, but it doesn’t show. He hasn’t grown older, he hasn’t aged a day. Alec smiles widely as he runs to him at full speed. He hugs him furiously, not letting go for a long time. Or maybe it’s a short time. Time here is not like it used to be. Everything is happening now and yet not at all._

_“Max!” Alec says happily as he pulls back to look at his little brother. “I missed you.”_

_“I missed you, too, Alec. Did the reskins win? I called it.” He says happily._

_Alec chuckles. “I love you, Max.”_

_“I love you, too, Alec.”_

_Alec reaches out and brings Max into another hug just as everything starts to fade. He feels a pull within him, taking him away. Leading him back somewhere._

_“I don’t want to go.” Alec says desperately as he holds onto his brother._

_Max only holds on tighter as Alec seemingly slips out of his arms, and out of that place. A beeping noise leading the way._

_He hears one last whisper from his little brother, “It’s okay, Alec. I’m not alone here.”_

_…_

 Opening his eyes is hard. His whole body feels sore and like he’s filled with lead, but the blinding bright light eggs him on. Alec blinks rapidly as he gets accustomed to the light from a large window to his left. The beeping of a monitor is loud, everything is so much more to his senses as he becomes conscious. The scratchy blankets under his hands and feet, the smell of disinfectant. It’s all so much. Too much almost.

 Alec tries to move, but he finds that his hand is held down in place. He looks over to find his boyfriend sitting by his bed, hunched over. His head lays by Alec’s leg, his chest rising in falling slowly. He’s asleep, but his hand still holds onto Alec’s despite that, rings and all. It makes Alec smile sadly as he feels a familiar guilt crushing at his heat, a familiar pain of hurting the ones he loves. He squeezes Magnus’s hand, hoping to convey how sorry he is. Maybe it works as Magnus slowly starts to shift, his body moving as his eyes open. They land on Alec’s and he smiles almost painfully happy.

“Angel.” He says gently as he uses his other hand to cup Alec’s face, not letting his other hand let go of Alec’s. “You’re awake.”

 Alec doesn’t know what to say. What can he say? All he can think of is some distant dream, some distant memory where he saw his brother again. Where he saw Max. It’s like a phantom touch, a phantom hug. He can still feel his little brother’s arms around him.

“Did I die?” Alec asks, his voice croaky.

 Magnus looks down, his features full of the utmost sadness, and almost like he’s holding back tears says, “Yes.”

 Alec can’t help the tears that start to fall, not just for Max, but for the pain he put Magnus through, the pain he put everyone through. He was supposed to be gone. He wasn’t supposed to have to face this. To face them. To face his guilt and his mistakes. To face the fact that he wasn’t strong enough.  He can’t do this.

“Hey, hey.” Magnus says as he leans closer. “You’re not alone Alexander. We are going to figure this out. We’re going to get you more help. I’m so sorry, darling, that I didn’t see how bad it was getting. But we’ll figure this out.”

 Alec sniffles as more tears fall, breaking Magnus’s heart as he leans in and hugs Alec as best as he can. And despite how difficult it is Alec brings his arms up to hold onto Magnus, too.

“It’s not your fault.”

It’s mine.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you. <3


End file.
